Rest is a lie.
Let’s simply get that out of the way in which.
The parable of “enjoyable” is bought to us in pastel tub bombs and yoga mats that odor like another person’s enlightenment. It’s the recent tea you forgot to drink since you had been too busy studying articles about how you can calm down. It’s the deep breath you’re taking whereas your internal monologue screams that you just’re doing it mistaken.
A few of us attempt to unwind by making to-do lists about how you can unwind. A few of us eat a whole pizza and name it “self-care” whereas sobbing into the crust. And a few of us… nicely, a few of us simply dissociate whereas watching dwelling renovation movies at 2AM, questioning if drywall mud can patch what’s damaged inside.
However the fact is: every Enneagram sort has its personal very particular, very tragic, very them method of making an attempt to calm down. And it hardly ever works. So let’s check out how every sort makes an attempt to let go… and the way it inevitably backfires in a spectacular, emotionally particular method.
P.S. This can be a little excessive, type of like perception blended with comedy and stereotypes. Simply benefit from the journey.
Unsure what your persona sort is? Take our Enneagram questionnaire right here!
Kind One – The “I’ll Calm down As soon as I’ve Earned It (Which Is By no means)” Relaxer
Kind One leisure is lots like making an attempt to make a mattress whilst you’re nonetheless mendacity in it. Technically potential, emotionally catastrophic.
Ones don’t calm down—they schedule restorative productiveness. You can see them on a Saturday afternoon wiping down the baseboards with a Q-tip as a result of “it’s peaceable.” Is it? Is it actually, Shannon?
Their concept of winding down is… reorganizing the spice rack. For the third time. Alphabetically. Then by frequency of use. Then by moral sourcing. Then sitting down for one full minute earlier than the guilt demon crawls up from the floorboards and whispers, “You need to be doing one thing helpful.” And naturally, the One listens, as a result of leisure with out objective looks like ethical decay.
And even once they do attempt to calm down—say, by studying a guide—it’s a guide on local weather change, late-stage capitalism, or how they’re personally ruining the world through the use of the mistaken type of lightbulbs. Gentle studying. Stress-free.
Their fantasy of relaxation is that this shining utopia the place all the things is clear, achieved, and righteous. Their actuality is twitching whereas making an attempt to not right your grammar throughout a sport evening. (They failed. They corrected it. The lounge is silent now.)
Briefly, Ones will calm down the day the world is ideal. So… by no means.
Kind Two – The “I’ll Calm down When Everybody Else is Okay (Which Additionally By no means Occurs)” Relaxer
Twos are the type of people that carry you soup when they have the flu. They’re on their third rewatch of “Mates” not as a result of it’s comforting, however as a result of they’ve satisfied themselves they’re serving to the fictional characters cope.
Rest for Twos is a theoretical occasion that can happen proper after they’ve emotionally supported all seven billion individuals on Earth, plus their cat, their barista, and their emotionally distant neighbor who as soon as grunted of their path.
You’ll discover them cooking “somewhat one thing” for dinner, which is definitely a four-course meal for ten individuals who “is likely to be hungry.” They’ll sit down for 5 seconds, then keep in mind Roger mentioned he was “going by way of one thing” two months in the past and now they’re texting him 1,200 phrases of unsolicited remedy.
And once you drive them to take a break—like when their physique begins disintegrating from exhaustion—they’ll lie on the sofa in a fetal place, staring on the ceiling and questioning if their pals secretly hate them for not replying to a textual content from 2017. (Spoiler: the good friend didn’t even discover. However the Two observed. The Two remembers.)
Their relaxation is haunted. Their self-worth is tangled in usefulness. And their “leisure” is often simply covert worrying underneath a weighted blanket.
To be honest, typically they do calm down. However solely after checking in on everybody. Twice. And now it’s 3AM and so they’re crying into their cookies, whispering, “I simply wished to assist.”
Kind Three – The “Stress-free Is for Quitters” Relaxer
Threes don’t calm down. They optimize restoration.
Their concept of relaxation is a motivational podcast on hustle tradition performed at 1.5x velocity whereas foam-rolling their hamstrings. They’ve learn each article on sleep hygiene, then tried to monetize it by making a 12-step information to “Peak Resting.”
You’ll see them on trip and assume, “Ah, they’re lastly unwinding.” No. They’ve turned the holiday right into a efficiency evaluate. “I crushed that snorkeling tour. 5 stars. Let’s do three extra earlier than lunch.”
They calm down like they’re going to be graded on it. As a result of of their thoughts, they will be. By the universe. Or their internal baby. Or their ex from highschool who checks their Instagram tales and must see them thriving.
Even once they attempt to look relaxed—toes up, drink in hand—there’s somewhat twitch of their eye that claims I ought to be doing one thing extra necessary. Like changing into well-known. Or curing burnout by sheer drive of will.
Ask them how they decompress, and so they’ll say, “I’m really engaged on a private model round sustainable leisure.” Then they’ll smile. However their pupils shall be dilated like a raccoon who drank a protein shake at midnight.
The unhappy fact? They don’t know how you can be, solely how you can do. And if you happen to ask them to sit down nonetheless with themselves, their soul makes a high-pitched modem sound and short-circuits.
However hey, at the least they give the impression of being good whereas spiraling.
Kind 4 – The “Relaxation Is Pointless Except It’s Stunning and Emotionally Transformative” Relaxer
Kind Fours don’t calm down, they retreat into ambiance. They don’t simply nap—they should be cradled by the universe whereas a cello performs someplace within the background and moonlight filters by way of gauzy curtains.
You counsel a shower? Out of the blue they’re crafting a full sensory ritual with dried rose petals, vintage candles, and a Spotify playlist titled “Unhappy Witch in a Lavender Area.” Twenty minutes in, they’re not resting. They’re musing a couple of love they haven’t met but and writing a haiku about existential decay on the bathe wall in lavender-scented steam.
Relaxation doesn’t work for Fours except it looks like a scene in a French indie movie. The lighting should be right. The air should odor faintly of longing. Their journal should be leather-bound and emotionally supportive.
However the issue is that this: Fours can’t calm down in the event that they really feel misunderstood. And so they at all times really feel misunderstood. So even when their physique is horizontal, their mind is curating a psychological montage of each time somebody didn’t “get” them, overlayed with orchestral music and whispered regrets.
They attempt to meditate, however find yourself ruminating. They attempt to learn, however the story reminds them of one thing they misplaced in a dream seven years in the past. They attempt to go for a stroll, however the timber look unhappy and now they’re pondering underneath a cypress concerning the fragility of pleasure.
If you happen to counsel “senseless leisure,” they’ll have a look at you such as you simply spit of their tea. “Senseless?” they whisper. “I would like my soul to harm in a productive method.”
So yeah. Fours attempt to calm down. However except it comes with emotional catharsis and poetic lighting, it simply doesn’t stick.
Kind 5 – The “I’m Stress-free However Additionally Hoarding Power in Case of Emergency” Relaxer
Fives are literally respectable at wanting like they’re enjoyable. Curled up alone, studying some obscure textual content concerning the psychological symbolism of staircases in postmodern literature? That sounds like peace.
However don’t be fooled.
Their model of relaxation is extra like managed withdrawal. Like a cat slowly backing right into a closet with a can opener and a sword. They’re not enjoyable. They’re recharging. There’s a distinction, and it’s principally anxiety-shaped.
See, leisure implies security. And Fives by no means fairly imagine they’re secure sufficient to cease pondering. So even once they’re horizontal, their thoughts is quietly operating backup simulations of each potential future catastrophe. “What if the ability grid collapses and I must construct a wind turbine from scratch?” “Do I do know sufficient about wild mushrooms?”
They attempt to relaxation, however relaxation feels suspicious. Like they’re being tricked. Like somebody will ask them to socialize any minute, and they should preserve their treasured reserves of existential stamina.
Even once they’re on a break, they’re secretly gathering data. Watching a documentary, annotating a novel, constructing a bunker in Minecraft. Something susceptible looks like theft.
And don’t even assume about suggesting a gaggle yoga class. That may be a direct assault.
Fives don’t fail to calm down as a result of they don’t understand how. They fail as a result of enjoyable looks like opening a door that may’t be closed once more. And behind that door is individuals.
Kind Six – The “I’ll Calm down When the Sky Stops Threatening to Fall” Relaxer
Sixes method leisure the identical method you’d method an unfamiliar cave system that may comprise bears, snakes, ghosts, or your third-grade bully. Slowly. Cautiously. Whereas Googling worst-case eventualities on the way in which in.
They need to calm down. Actually. Deeply. Desperately. They lengthy for the sensation of letting go, of trusting the world to not unravel the second they blink. However sadly, their mind is an unpaid intern within the Division of Homeland Safety, operating nonstop threat assessments on all the things.
Lighting a candle? What if it ideas over. Taking a shower? What if the water will get too scorching and also you faint. Going for a stroll? What if a cult tries to recruit you and so they’re actually persuasive.
Even when nothing is objectively mistaken, Sixes will really feel mistaken. There’s a delicate strain on the again of their mind that whispers, “You forgot one thing necessary and now you’ll die.” They don’t know what it’s. But it surely’s in all probability pressing. In all probability life-threatening. In all probability one thing everybody else forgot too, however they alone will endure the results as a result of they need to have recognized higher.
They attempt to calm down, however they catastrophize themselves into motion. The to-do listing comes out. The contingency plans emerge. The psychological climate report begins. “There’s a 60% likelihood of betrayal with scattered social awkwardness by mid-afternoon.”
After they do handle to calm down, it’s often as a result of somebody they belief forces them to. Holds their hand, says “You’re secure,” and doesn’t chortle once they ask if the blanket is fire-retardant.
Even then, they’ll maintain one eye open. Simply in case.
Kind Seven – The “If I Hold Having Enjoyable, I’ll Finally Journey and Fall Into Peace” Relaxer
Sevens don’t calm down. They escape.
They don’t sit with themselves — they dash away from themselves, juggling popsicles, whereas reserving flights on their cellphone and emotionally ghosting final week’s existential disaster.
They deal with relaxation like a suspicious useless zone between adventures. One thing occurs once they decelerate — one thing… terrible. It’s referred to as emotions. So as a substitute of dealing with these, they fill each accessible second with podcasts, plans, protein bars, playlists titled “Chill however Not Too Chill,” and half-finished hobbies that started off as “enjoyable” and ended up as cluttered symbols of hysteria avoidance.
You’ll say, “It’s best to attempt enjoyable this weekend,” and so they’ll go, “Completely,” then schedule a ‘enjoyable day’ that includes parasailing, three back-to-back brunches, and making an attempt out a brand new profession path. For enjoyable.
They purchase 5 self-care books and skim none. They fight meditation as soon as, bought bored, and dreamed up a enjoyable trip and causes they might financially justify it.
Finally they crash, often with a chilly smoothie in a single hand and a haunted look of their eye like somebody who lastly noticed the void and didn’t like its inside design.
Sevens don’t fail to calm down as a result of they’re incapable. They fail as a result of enjoyable looks like dying. Not actually. However like ego-death with muzak taking part in within the background.
Kind Eight – The “I’m Resting. Don’t Make It Bizarre.” Relaxer
Eights insist they’re good at enjoyable. “I calm down on a regular basis,” they are saying. Whereas bench urgent their emotions and threatening the idea of vulnerability to a cage match.
You counsel a spa day, and so they’re like, “I’ll go, however I’m not sporting a gown.” You suggest a bubble tub, and so they have a look at you such as you simply handed them a scented declaration of battle.
For Eights, relaxation is a high-risk scenario. It includes letting go. And letting go means not being in management. And in the event that they’re not in management, who’s defending the perimeter? Who’s holding the road? Who’s scanning for betrayal whereas everybody else is chanting affirmations and exfoliating?
Even once they do chill, it’s extra like strategic downshifting. “I’ll relaxation now, so I can dominate later.” It’s not a lot peace as tactical power redistribution. A battle normal taking an influence nap between battles.
After they attempt to meditate, their mind goes, “Okay however what’s actually the purpose of this?” After they attempt to watch a soothing present, they scream on the characters for being weak or emotionally dishonest. After they lastly collapse on the sofa, it’s solely as a result of their physique forcibly overruled the internal dictator.
And if you happen to level out they’re not actually enjoyable, they’ll bark-laugh and say, “Rest is for the weak,” then instantly Google “how you can cease grinding enamel in sleep.”
Beneath all that armor, Eights want relaxation greater than anybody. However provided that it doesn’t really feel like give up. Provided that it looks like selecting to decrease the drawbridge for a second. Only a second. Don’t get used to it.
Kind 9 – The “I Calm down So Onerous I Unintentionally Dissociate” Relaxer
Nines are professionals at enjoyable. They’ve turned it into a way of life. A survival tactic. An artwork kind. A religious avoidance technique handed down by way of generations of emotionally overwhelmed ancestors.
They’ll disappear into their sofa cushions with such effectivity it’s like watching time-lapse footage of abrasion. You test in on them and so they’ve fused with the furnishings and perhaps the astral airplane.
However right here’s the twist: Nines aren’t at all times resting. Generally they’re simply numbing. Generally their leisure is simply low-key dissociation with good lighting and snacks.
They attempt to watch one thing calming and find yourself watching 14 episodes of a documentary about fish migration as a result of clicking “subsequent episode” felt simpler than making a choice. They had been speculated to journal. As an alternative, they stared on the cowl of the journal till they forgot what feelings had been.
They crave peace so badly that they confuse stillness with restoration. However not all stillness is therapeutic. Generally it’s simply hiding with additional steps.
Ask them in the event that they’re enjoyable, and so they’ll say sure. Ask them how they really feel, and so they’ll blink slowly like a cat making an attempt to recollect the idea of selfhood. “I don’t know. Nice? Hungry?” (They’re at all times somewhat hungry. In all probability for each snacks and emotional readability.)
And to be honest — once they do entry true relaxation, it’s beautiful. It’s a glowing, serene, Earth-mother type of vibe that would finish wars and soothe demons. However more often than not, their model of enjoyable is drifting right into a fog of meh whereas reruns play within the background and life selections gently decay within the sink.
Nines don’t fail to calm down as a result of they will’t. They fail as a result of typically, enjoyable is simply code for disappearing—and even they’re undecided the place they went.
What Do You Assume?
9 differing types. All united by one grim fact: no one actually is aware of how you can calm down. Not the way in which they need to. Not the way in which the self-help books promised. Not the way in which the influencers with eucalyptus of their showers faux they do.
A few of us dash away from ourselves within the title of “freedom.” A few of us pile blankets on high of unresolved stress and name it “peace.” A few of us are simply making an attempt to relaxation with out the interior jury declaring a mistrial each 5 minutes.
The world says, “Breathe deeply. Be current.” However being current means you might need to really feel issues. Or face the truth that you don’t know who you’re once you’re not serving to, hustling, fixing, fleeing, numbing, attaining, caretaking, strategizing, or fading out.
And that’s terrifying.
However perhaps—simply perhaps—the purpose of this isn’t to succeed at enjoyable. Possibly it’s to get somewhat extra trustworthy concerning the methods we flail, the explanations we flinch, the bizarre issues we do when our nervous methods scream “don’t cease otherwise you’ll see it.”
Possibly we are able to sit with that for a second.
Now go take a nap. Or attempt. Or at the least lay down and faux you’re a sleepy rock whereas the world spins. That counts too.
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