In a current episode of The Exhausting Expertise podcast, I dug into the double-bind acquainted to so many ladies leaders navigating office politics dynamics: Converse up and threat being branded “too aggressive”; again down and threat being labeled “too tender.” As leaders, we’re anticipated to talk up and be open and genuine, however as girls leaders, we regularly really feel the stress to be relational and diplomatic so we do not “offend” or come off as “threatening.”
The excellent news is that balancing truth-telling with diplomacy is a vital “tender” talent for all leaders: Saying one thing with energy but care can exhibit management gravitas, skillful communication, and shift expectations.
The Problem: Fact vs. Diplomacy
Early in my profession, I used to be primarily a truth-teller: trustworthy and direct, however with out understanding the impression of my phrases or the empathy required generally to grasp how my phrases might have an effect on others. And sure, that meant I had a couple of clueless, blundering moments.
Later, as I developed my management abilities, with the assistance of a incredible mentor, I grew to become an extremely diplomatic chief, figuring out the best way to soften issues, not say an excessive amount of, and tread flippantly.
As I matured in my management abilities, nonetheless, I spotted there’s additionally a price to these sturdy diplomacy abilities: Over time, I over-indexed on appeasing, calming, and serving to individuals get alongside and overlooked the necessity to problem unhealthy dynamics for the sake of appeasing others.
As a substitute, I spotted that:
- Diplomacy can clean over points that maybe should not be glossed over.
- It is nonetheless good to disrupt an unhealthy sample.
- It is vital to place up a boundary when individuals are taking benefit.
- It is an absolute necessity to level out when hurt is being achieved, and accomplish that very immediately and clearly with out mincing phrases.
That is notably vital in two contrasting conditions on groups:
- Some groups exhibit overtly unhealthy behaviors, equivalent to fixed gossiping after conferences, blaming others with out taking private accountability, steamrolling discussions, or monopolizing conversations to push private agendas.
- Different groups show extra delicate, insidious points that make it onerous to determine the underlying dissatisfaction. Patrick Lencioni, writer of The 5 Dysfunctions of a Staff, refers to this as “synthetic concord”: a scenario the place wholesome debate and disagreement are stifled by passive-aggressive behaviors and diplomacy, all for the sake of avoiding troublesome conversations.
In each roles as a workforce member in varied skilled capacities and as a workforce improvement advisor, I’ve realized the significance of figuring out unstated tensions, unhealthy interactions, and avoidance behaviors like resistance, management, and extreme threat mitigation that may result in micromanagement and decision-making delays.
In a really perfect scenario, we stability each honesty and care. It’s simple to slide into avoidance after we soften what must be stated. And but, blunt truth-telling with out regard erodes belief—it’d land, but it surely damages relationships.
So, neutralizing harsh truths too readily can backfire—however so can ignoring the price of leaving issues unsaid.
Expertise Required to Steadiness Fact-Telling With Diplomacy
For considerations to be heard and obtained, the next abilities are required:
- Self-awareness
- Readability in your values and targets for the dialogue
- The braveness to talk fact to energy
- The flexibility to handle or sit with discomfort
- Studying to determine the higher timing and setting for talking up
- Sturdy emotion regulation
These usually are not simple to develop. However the stronger these abilities are, the extra impression you may have. This is what I’ve been capable of do on account of enhancing my very own truth-telling with diplomacy and the way I’ve helped so many others do the identical:
- Converse up or depart skilled conditions whenever you discover constant unhealthy behaviors.
- Clearly specific the issues you see and attainable options, fairly than protecting considerations to your self, particularly when it impacts many individuals.
- Assist individuals you care about in ways in which stability care with honesty.
Management Important Reads
Having the ability to determine unstated tensions, unhealthy interactions, and avoidance behaviors like resistance, management, and extreme threat mitigation (e.g., micromanagement, decision-making delays) is a superpower. These behaviors usually stem from actual fears regarding security, safety, change, and uncertainty. Except we title these points in a means that may be heard, we can not help individuals in resetting their reactive patterns.
Growing the Expertise
How are you going to begin creating or additional strengthening these abilities? Listed here are a couple of methods:
1. Lead With Intention, Not Emotion
Ask your self: What final result do I would like from sharing this? If the purpose is enchancment, readability, or relationship restore—not simply venting—you may talk extra deliberately.
2. Separate Fact From Judgment
Keep on with info, observations, and impacts. Swap “You’re not dependable” for “We missed two important deadlines final month, which impacted the consumer relationship.”
3. Body It, Respectfully
Diplomacy doesn’t imply softening actuality. It means framing it in a means the opposite individual can obtain. Listed here are some highly effective sentence starters:
- “I wish to share one thing that is likely to be onerous to listen to, however I believe it’s vital for each our development.”
- “I wish to be trustworthy with you as a result of I care about our working relationship.”
- “I’ve been sitting with one thing that I believe is vital to floor.”
- “I’m noticing a disconnect I’d like to grasp higher.”
- “Can I provide a perspective that is likely to be uncomfortable however useful?”
4. Use Empathy as a Bridge
Acknowledge the opposite individual’s perspective or potential response: “I think about this would possibly really feel irritating to listen to—I’ve been there too.”
5. Follow Clarifying
Replicate again what you see, not in a means that shames, however in a means that reveals and engages with curiosity: “Right here’s a sample I’ve observed, and I’m questioning what’s behind it.”
Bear in mind, this isn’t about delivering a elegant speech—it’s about putting the reality inside a dialog, not a confrontation.
In a world that always asks girls to decide on between niceness and authority, this tough talent affords a 3rd path: readability infused with care. Diplomacy with out fact can masks dysfunction. And sadly, girls leaders are sometimes socialized to protect concord and keep away from directness, which may permit unhealthy workforce dynamics to persist. However truth-telling doesn’t must burn bridges. When grounded in empathy, goal, and skillful framing, balancing fact, with care, can strengthen belief. Each chief advantages from this talent.
