Battle. The phrase alone most likely triggers some type of response in you—panic, frustration, avoidance, full-on battle mode. Possibly you’re the kind who loves a very good debate, or possibly you’d reasonably swallow a fork than have an uncomfortable dialog (it’s okay, Nines, we love you). Both method, battle is unavoidable, and the way you deal with it says rather a lot about you. Enter the Enneagram—your handy-dandy persona framework for understanding why you get into battle, the way you react to it, and (most significantly) tips on how to cease making it worse.
So with out additional ado—right here’s how every Enneagram sort handles battle, the place issues are inclined to go sideways, and tips on how to not break your life and relationships within the course of. Let’s go.
Undecided what your persona sort is? Take our Enneagram questionnaire right here!
Estimated studying time: 14 minutes
Enneagram One: The Perfectionist
Battle for an Enneagram One is like watching somebody put a grimy spoon again into the sugar jar—it’s private. You’ve a powerful interior conscience that whispers (or, frankly, screams) what’s Proper and what’s Completely Not. And when somebody blatantly disregards the principles, you are feeling it in your soul.
When Battle Occurs:
You’re almost certainly to get into it when:
- Somebody ignores guidelines or requirements you think about sacred.
- Folks behave in ways in which really feel sloppy, thoughtless, or simply plain flawed.
- You and one other individual have Very Completely different Concepts about how one thing needs to be accomplished.
How You React:
Battle makes your entire physique tense. It’s like an alarm going off in your head: MUST FIX IMMEDIATELY. You would possibly get hyper-polite in that tight-lipped, barely-contained-rage method, otherwise you would possibly straight-up begin correcting individuals. Or—for those who’re notably pressured—you bottle it up, let it fester, and explode later over one thing minor, like somebody loading the dishwasher incorrectly (which, let’s be trustworthy, is a criminal offense).
How you can Deal with It Higher:
- Settle for that there may be multiple proper method to do issues. Sure, it bodily hurts to confess that. Sure, you might be appropriate 90% of the time. However typically, letting go of perfection is the higher transfer.
- Compromise. Nobody is saying to throw your rules out the window, however for those who bend a bit, you gained’t break. Will this matter in every week? A month? A yr? Who advantages from me stressing over this?
- Loosen up. Watch a ridiculous film, learn outdated cringey journal entries, let your self be a bit foolish. You’re not a robotic programmed to implement requirements—you’re a human, and people are hilarious.
Enneagram Two: The Giver
You don’t go on the lookout for battle. Battle comes on the lookout for you—often within the type of feeling unappreciated, rejected, or such as you’re being taken without any consideration. You give, you help, you ensure that everybody else is doing okay (or good, ideally)… after which, sooner or later, you understand nobody has refilled your emotional cup, and out of the blue, you’re one passive-aggressive “I’m effective” away from shedding it.
When Battle Occurs:
You’re almost certainly to get into it when:
- Somebody doesn’t respect all of the work you’re doing behind the scenes.
- You are feeling excluded, ignored, or unloved.
- You sense rejection, even when it’s refined (and even imagined)
How You React:
Your intuition is to not begin a struggle outright. As an alternative, you would possibly withdraw, introspect, or flip right into a one-person undercover operation to earn again the love and validation you are feeling you misplaced. Possibly you begin over-giving to show your price. Possibly you grow to be a bit too useful in an try and be indispensable. Or possibly, simply possibly, you lastly explode, sobbing, “I do EVERYTHING for you individuals!” whereas dramatically slamming a casserole dish onto the counter.
How you can Deal with It Higher:
- Follow saying “No” and even “Possibly” with out guilt. You aren’t a merchandising machine of emotional help.
- Cease preserving rating. Love, kindness, and generosity are stunning issues, however not once they include an invisible ledger monitoring what others “owe” you in return. Give since you need to, not since you subconsciously count on reciprocity.
- Be trustworthy about your emotions earlier than they boil over. You don’t have to attend till you’re at a breaking level to specific your wants.
- Sit with the discomfort of battle as an alternative of smoothing issues over straight away. Avoiding pressure doesn’t truly resolve it. It simply delays the explosion.
- Let another person deal with you. The subsequent time somebody gives to assist, don’t say, “Oh, no, I’m effective.” Settle for it. Really feel the love coming towards you rather than always pushing it outward.
Enneagram Three: The Achiever
Battle? Ain’t no person bought time for that. You’ve targets to crush, goals to chase, and a rigorously crafted picture to keep up. But when somebody is slowing you down, making you look unhealthy, or creating pointless roadblocks? Oh, it’s ON.
When Battle Occurs:
You’re almost certainly to get into it when:
- Somebody is standing between you and your purpose.
- Folks waste your time or drag their toes.
- You fail at one thing (or, worse, fail publicly).
How You React:
Your knee-jerk response is to work tougher and quicker to make the issue disappear. You would possibly steamroll over individuals, take issues into your individual fingers, or—for those who’re actually struggling—get a bit artistic with the reality to keep up your polished picture. And if issues get actually unhealthy? You would possibly overwork your self to exhaustion, expertise insomnia, and even abdomen points and complications.
How you can Deal with It Higher:
- Endurance, younger grasshopper. Not each purpose must be achieved yesterday. Generally, slowing down truly results in higher long-term success.
- Examine in together with your feelings. You is perhaps avoiding emotions of failure or insecurity by specializing in work. Sit with these emotions as an alternative of outrunning them.
- Course of failure with out pushing previous it instantly.
Your intuition is to repair, hustle, and transfer on. However typically, the true progress occurs if you truly sit with failure. Ask your self:
What does this say about me (with out judgment)?
What worry is that this triggering?
What’s the worst factor that occurs if I fail? (Trace: It’s hardly ever as catastrophic because it feels.)
Enneagram 4: The Individualist
Battle for an Enneagram 4 is much less in regards to the argument itself and extra about what the argument represents. It’s about which means, identification, connection—or the shortage thereof. You don’t struggle over nonsense; you struggle as a result of one thing feels deeply flawed. And when that occurs, you don’t simply get mad—you really feel it in your bones.
When Battle Occurs:
You’re almost certainly to get into it when:
- You are feeling misunderstood, dismissed, or like nobody will get you.
- Your artistic imaginative and prescient is ignored, modified, or undervalued.
- Somebody is being inauthentic, surface-level, or faux.
How You React:
Your response to battle is deeply private. You would possibly withdraw into your individual world and get caught in a state of melancholy. Or possibly you get moody and lash out, satisfied that nobody will ever perceive you. Or—for those who’re in full-blown spiraling mode—you would possibly dramatically burn a bridge, satisfied that that is the one technique to preserve your integrity.
How you can Deal with It Higher:
- Pause earlier than reacting. Your feelings really feel huge, however they aren’t the only real authority on actuality. Take a beat earlier than you determine that somebody is rejecting you once they’re simply rejecting an thought.
- Don’t assume the worst. If somebody misunderstands you, it doesn’t imply they don’t care. Folks don’t all the time talk as deeply as you do. (Some individuals are simply… not nice at phrases. It’s tragic.)
- Discover productive shops in your emotions. Write, paint, run, blast music in your automotive—do one thing that helps you course of earlier than you discuss issues out.
- Discover if you’re decoding reasonably than observing.
Your feelings are highly effective, however typically they form actuality greater than they need to. When battle arises, ask your self:
“What truly occurred?” (Simply the info.)
“What story am I telling myself about it?” (Your emotional interpretation.)
“May there be one other rationalization?” (Various views.)
Enneagram 5: The Investigator
Battle for a 5 seems like an uninvited visitor barging into your psychological fortress. You favor distance, evaluation, and management over how a lot vitality you spend on individuals. However when somebody calls for an excessive amount of from you—or worse, tries to tug you into an emotional mess—your partitions go up quick.
When Battle Occurs:
You’re almost certainly to get into it when:
- Folks count on you to share your ideas or emotions earlier than you’re prepared.
- You’re overwhelmed, overstimulated, or out of social battery.
- Somebody is being irrational, illogical, or refuses to just accept info.
- You don’t have time or house to course of one thing earlier than responding.
How You React:
Your default mode is to detach. You withdraw, get quiet, and possibly disappear for some time. (Aka: “If I ignore this lengthy sufficient, possibly it’s going to stop to exist.”) If you happen to do interact, you are inclined to deal with logic over feelings, which could make you appear chilly or dismissive—even when that’s not your intent. In excessive circumstances, you would possibly get sharp, sarcastic, or defensive, making the opposite individual much more emotional (which is your worst nightmare).
How you can Deal with It Higher:
- Don’t assume individuals are attempting to lure you. Generally, they simply need to perceive you—not drain you dry. Not everyone seems to be an emotional leech.
- Talk if you want house. As an alternative of ghosting, attempt saying: “I would like a while to course of this, however I’ll get again to you.” Folks can deal with ready; they will’t deal with feeling ignored.
- Stability solitude with connection. Alone time is important for you, however so is constructing belief with individuals. Don’t isolate to the purpose the place nobody is aware of tips on how to attain you anymore.
- Reframe vulnerability as mental openness.
Sharing feelings would possibly really feel pointless or dangerous, however what for those who handled it like sharing data? Strive considering of vulnerability as “revealing unseen data” reasonably than “exposing weak point.” Your emotional world is simply as legitimate as your mental insights—and sharing each builds deeper belief.
Enneagram Six: The Skeptic
Battle for a Six is a belief concern, not only a disagreement. If there’s an argument, your mind instantly begins operating catastrophe eventualities. What if this implies they’re unreliable? What if this implies they’ll betray me? What if I’m not secure on this scenario? Your intestine response isn’t to struggle for dominance—it’s to struggle for safety.
When Battle Occurs:
You’re almost certainly to get into it when:
- Somebody is being dishonest, unreliable, or inconsistent.
- Authority figures abuse their energy (or refuse to elucidate their reasoning).
- You are feeling like you’ll be able to’t ask questions or categorical considerations.
- Folks act like nothing might presumably go flawed, which (to you) is both naïve or deeply suspicious.
How You React:
You would possibly grow to be uncertain and questioning, asking for limitless clarifications till somebody snaps, “Why can’t you simply belief me?” Otherwise you would possibly shut down fully since you don’t know who or what to imagine. In some circumstances, you swing into full-blown rebellious mode, rejecting all authority on precept. As a result of for those who don’t belief them, why must you hearken to them?
How you can Deal with It Higher:
- Converse your considerations out loud as an alternative of letting them fester. Folks can’t reassure you in the event that they don’t know what’s bothering you. Be clear: “I wrestle with belief, and I would like extra communication to really feel secure.” It’s not needy—it’s trustworthy.
- Acknowledge when your mind is operating worst-case eventualities.
Your thoughts is all the time on the lookout for what might go flawed, which makes you an ideal strategist—but in addition a battle magnet if you assume each disagreement is an indication of hazard. Whenever you really feel defensive, ask:
“Am I reacting to what’s truly occurring, or to what I worry would possibly occur?”
“What’s probably the most lifelike, non-catastrophic rationalization for this?”
- Floor your self earlier than reacting. Take deep breaths. Step away from the scenario. Remind your self that you simply don’t need to react instantly. A peaceful Six is a highly effective power, as a result of when you’re centered, your skill to see all angles is invaluable.
- Study to distinguish intestine instinct from nervousness.
You pleasure your self on seeing potential issues earlier than they occur. However not each unhealthy feeling is a prediction—typically it’s simply nervousness speaking. A useful trick:
True instinct feels grounded, calm, and sure.
Anxiousness feels panicked, obsessive, and scattered.
Earlier than reacting, ask your self: “Is that this my interior knowledge, or am I simply spiraling?”
Enneagram Seven: The Fanatic
Battle? Ugh. No thanks. You’d reasonably be ANYWHERE ELSE—planning your subsequent journey, brainstorming thrilling concepts, or watching YouTube movies at 2x velocity. Confrontation seems like getting caught in an airport with no Wi-Fi: trapped, boring, and deeply pointless.
When Battle Occurs:
You’re almost certainly to get into it when:
- Somebody kills your vibe by specializing in issues as an alternative of prospects.
- Your concepts or contributions are dismissed.
- You are feeling trapped, stifled, or caught in a rut.
- Somebody criticizes you in a method that feels private.
How You React:
Your first intuition is escape. Possibly you modify the topic, make a joke, or out of the blue keep in mind an “pressing” errand you must run. If you happen to can’t escape, you would possibly discuss in circles, looking for a constructive spin that lets everybody transfer on already. Alternatively, you would possibly lash out defensively, flipping the blame onto others—rising weary of all the time being “the enjoyable one” and feeling pissed off that others don’t see or respect how a lot work you do to maintain issues constructive.
How you can Deal with It Higher:
- Sit within the discomfort with out operating. Whenever you really feel the urge to distract, deflect, or dodge—pause. Take a breath. Floor your self and breathe.
- Acknowledge that ache doesn’t imply failure. Not each uncomfortable second must be fastened—typically, it simply must be felt.
- Observe by means of on arduous conversations. You’re nice at beginning issues, however resolving battle takes dedication. Even when it’s awkward, end the dialog as an alternative of bailing midway. Or if it’s worthwhile to take a break, give a selected time to reconvene.
- Personal your feelings. As an alternative of claiming, “This isn’t an enormous deal” (when it completely is), attempt, “I really feel uncomfortable, however I need to work by means of this.” That honesty builds belief and prevents extra battle down the highway.
Enneagram Eight: The Challenger
Battle? Now we’re speaking. You don’t search fights, however you additionally don’t keep away from them—as a result of, truthfully, avoiding battle simply feels weak. If there’s an issue, you need it addressed, handled, and out of the best way ASAP. No beating across the bush. No passive-aggressive nonsense.
When Battle Occurs:
You’re almost certainly to get into it when:
- Individuals are dishonest, sneaky, or manipulative.
- Somebody tries to regulate you or let you know what to do.
- Individuals are indecisive, passive, or unwilling to take motion.
- Somebody challenges your authority, competence, or values.
How You React:
You go arduous, quick, and direct. If one thing’s flawed, you name it out. If somebody’s appearing weak or shady, you problem them. You don’t see battle as an issue—it’s clarifying. However… typically, you are available in too sizzling. Different individuals expertise your “simply being trustworthy” as intimidating, aggressive, and even steamrolling.
How you can Deal with It Higher:
- Decelerate. Simply since you see the answer instantly doesn’t imply everybody else does. Give individuals house to course of earlier than forcing a decision.
- Acknowledge that softness isn’t weak point. Folks aren’t essentially hiding one thing simply because they hesitate. Some individuals want extra time to suppose issues by means of.
- Ask as an alternative of assume. As an alternative of calling somebody out, attempt calling them in: “Hey, I really feel like one thing’s off—can we discuss it?”
- Let individuals hold their dignity. Successful an argument doesn’t imply crushing the opposite individual. Power isn’t simply energy—it’s figuring out when to ease up so others really feel secure, too.
Enneagram 9: The Peacemaker
Battle for a 9 is like somebody dumping trash throughout your completely calm lake. You like concord. You need issues to really feel peaceable. However when pressure rises, you are feeling such as you’re being dragged right into a loud, chaotic mess that makes your complete nervous system shut down.
When Battle Occurs:
You’re almost certainly to get into it when:
- Somebody is pushing you to do one thing you don’t need to do (together with having an argument or dialogue about one thing uncomfortable)
- You are feeling ignored, dismissed, or missed.
- Individuals are being too aggressive or forceful.
- Somebody retains disrupting the peace with pointless drama.
How You React:
You freeze, retreat, or possibly even people-please your method out. If the battle is actually unhealthy, you would possibly shut down, go quiet, and mentally try—however that doesn’t imply you’re okay. You simply retailer the resentment deep inside till it explodes weeks later over one thing else.
How you can Deal with It Higher:
- Acknowledge that battle isn’t unhealthy—it’s needed. Avoiding it doesn’t make it disappear—it simply delays the inevitable.
- Converse up earlier than you hit the breaking level. Don’t let resentment fester. If one thing’s bothering you, say it early, whereas it’s nonetheless small. Each time you ignore that resentment, you’re planting a seed of bitterness in the direction of the individual you’re holding it towards. Over time that bitterness can destroy a relationship or your individual psychological well-being.
- Acknowledge that your wants matter simply as a lot as everybody else’s. You would possibly suppose, It’s not definitely worth the struggle—but when one thing retains bugging you, it’s price addressing.
- Follow stating your opinion out loud. Even when it’s easy, saying, “I don’t truly agree with that” or “I’d reasonably do one thing else” builds confidence in proudly owning your voice.
What Do You Assume?
Do you relate to your part? Do you’ve gotten every other suggestions or insights you’d share with individuals who have your Enneagram sort? Allow us to and different readers know within the feedback!
Discover out extra about your persona sort in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Energy of Persona Kind, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic, The INTJ – Understanding the Strategist, and The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer. You may as well join with me by way of Fb, Instagram, or YouTube!
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