After my son died, my first step ahead was a large one. I acknowledged one thing that I already knew however had not but accepted—Rob was mentally ailing. As a substitute of a glimmer, this acknowledgment struck me like a thunderbolt a couple of month after he died, and it was the skeleton key I usually used every time I felt locked in my grief.
You wouldn’t realize it if you happen to met him. He was sensible, participating, cool, and tremendous humorous. Over time, he realized how one can disguise his troubled thoughts and confirmed us what he thought we needed to see.
He was first identified with bipolar dysfunction when he was seventeen, and one among his therapists informed us on the time that he was additionally an alcoholic. We knew Rob smoked and offered weed and dabbled in different medication (no massive deal—again within the day, so did I), however I distinctly keep in mind considering the shrink was loopy as a result of that’s what I at all times did when it got here to Rob. I selected to see what I needed to see. I at all times selected to view him in probably the most hopeful and optimistic mild, even when all the things he stated and did pointed elsewhere. It was an act of self-deception that lasted till we misplaced him eternally.
We at all times used euphemisms once we described Rob—tough, impulsive, reckless, unpredictable, irrational—however all of us knew the reality.
Though, I’m undecided he did. Typically, he’d say he was having a nasty day or wasn’t feeling good, however that was the extent of it. Whether or not it was disgrace, denial, or an absence of self-awareness, Rob by no means absolutely acknowledged that he had a psychological sickness. He admitted that he was an alcoholic the day I drove him to his first sober home. And he texted my ex-wife two days earlier than he died to say that he was critically depressed and wanted meds.
The one different instances we ever talked actually about what was raging inside his head was when he was in disaster, and we had been pressured to. The primary occasion occurred when he was a senior in highschool, and we had despatched him to a psychological hospital in Westchester for a month. A couple of Thanksgivings earlier than he died, I drove him to the emergency room in Santa Monica after he threatened to kill himself. They put him on totally different drugs every time, and every time, he stopped taking them shortly thereafter.
Once we first talked about coping with the illness, strolling on acquainted eggshells, he was defensive and belligerent. Once we talked about it ten years later in a psychiatric hospital, he was extra compliant as a result of he simply needed to get the hell out of there. There wasn’t a complete lot of discuss it in any other case.
And as soon as he moved to LA, it was actually nearly us being collectively. I by no means thought, Oh, I’m simply chillin’ with my mentally ailing, alcoholic son. Certain, I knew the illness was there. Quite a lot of instances, I selected to disregard it or gently navigate my approach round it, and loads of instances, Rob selected to cover it. However, for probably the most half, it was simply us genuinely having fun with one another’s firm. Within the final two years of his life, I noticed Rob at his finest and at his worst.
After he moved out of our place in Venice, I insisted on visiting him each Saturday afternoon in Torrance when he was residing in a sober home as a result of I wanted to see him with my very own eyes. I wanted to see what he seemed like and the way he was appearing (in each senses of that phrase), and it was usually simply my strategy to tamp down my very own infinite fear and anxiousness. I used to be additionally looking out for any clues that he had fallen off the wagon and probably gone off the deep finish once more.
Psychological sickness isn’t at all times apparent, even when it’s staring you within the face. Even when it’s speaking to you and saying loopy issues, it’s straightforward to make excuses and rationalize what you see and listen to. And that’s what I did whereas he was out right here, as a result of it was simpler, as a result of it saved the peace between us, as a result of it saved him near me.
I keep in mind telling one among my many therapists just a few months earlier than Rob died that I wanted I had the heart to be straight with him and say the next:
It is advisable to go to a health care provider and get meds for being bipolar. It is advisable to get it beneath management. For those who look again at whenever you’ve had horrible stuff occur to you, it’s at all times between October and December, and that’s whenever you get manic, and you should do one thing about that or it’s by no means going to alter. You additionally have to take antidepressants. I’ve been there, dude, I understand how it feels, and meds assist! Go get assist! Go get assist earlier than one thing horrible occurs!
I didn’t say any of that to him when he was alive, and it’s one of many few issues that may hang-out me forever, regardless that I’m conscious that it wouldn’t essentially have achieved any good or modified the way in which issues performed out.
So my first step ahead was a swift kick within the ass, understanding what Rob was fighting and that I couldn’t do something to save lots of him. I’ve taken many different steps since then, however none was as vital as that one nice leap.
