That is the second submit in a two-part sequence. Learn the first submit right here.
“Generally, probably the most harmful factor we will really feel is reduction.”
Anna was not searching for love when she met Leo. She was operating from a relationship that had grow to be a cage, from a boyfriend who made choices for each of them with out her enter. She had emotionally left months earlier than, however he hadn’t. When she lastly broke it off, he did not take it nicely. He adopted her. Waited outdoors her lessons. Confirmed up at her condominium, uninvited, in any respect hours. Her associates acquired concerned. However nothing labored. Her life had grow to be a loop of concern.
Then, Leo appeared.
Was It Love—or Only a Means Out?
Leo was an informal connection—her uncle launched them. However when Anna opened up about what she was going by means of, he did not decide. He listened. And when she requested him to fake to be her boyfriend to get her ex to lastly let go, he stated sure.
Collectively, they staged a breakup assembly. It labored. Her ex disappeared.
And that night time, for the primary time in a very long time, Anna felt a deep, quiet exhale. Not pleasure. Not ardour. Simply… reduction.
That feeling may be harmful. Not as a result of it is incorrect—however as a result of it looks like salvation. Aid can masquerade as love. And the nervous system, after being caught in fight-or-flight, will cling to something that looks like peace—even when it isn’t the entire reality.
From a trauma-informed perspective, Anna wasn’t merely falling in love. She was reenacting a survival sample—one rooted within the physique’s physiology. In response to O’Shea Brown (2021), when somebody experiences extended emotional misery or coercive management, their nervous system might default to computerized trauma responses: struggle, flight, freeze, or fawn. The fawn response—through which an individual overly attaches, appeases, or merges with somebody perceived as secure—is not weak point; it is the nervous system making an attempt to create stability.
Current analysis additionally exhibits that trauma can impair the mind’s means to precisely detect security, particularly in relationships. When the autonomic nervous system is dysregulated, as described by Garling (2024), folks might misinterpret calm or protecting habits as emotional intimacy, even when a deeper connection is not current. In different phrases, Anna wasn’t simply drawn to Leo—her physique mistook him for the exit from concern.
It’s additionally how, in psychological phrases, attachment wounds are likely to repeat themselves. People with anxious attachment kinds—typically formed in childhoods the place love was inconsistent, unpredictable, or conditional—typically equate emotional depth with emotional intimacy. The quicker the bond kinds, the extra satisfied they’re that it have to be actual, even when it lacks long-term emotional security.
As famous by Vitale (2025), youngsters who expertise emotionally disadvantaged or unstable caregiving environments typically develop up in search of pressing, high-intensity relationships in maturity, not as a result of they’re impulsive, however as a result of their nervous programs have discovered to equate chaos with connection. They mistake turbulence for reality, and calm for hazard.
However quick is just not deep, and calm is not at all times secure, particularly should you’ve by no means recognized what actual security looks like.
A few 12 months later, they determined to get married overseas. Anna picked a good looking vacation spot in Southeast Asia—her very first journey outdoors the nation. She was filled with hope and pleasure.
However proper earlier than they landed on the island, a chook hit the engine of the airplane, and it caught hearth. The cabin stuffed with panic. Individuals have been praying. Anna was frozen in concern. The airplane made an emergency touchdown, and fortunately everybody was OK. However that feeling? It stayed along with her.
She brushed it off. Simply unhealthy luck.
Their marriage ceremony was all the things she had imagined—nearly an excessive amount of. The venue glowed with candlelight and coloration. Gold thrones waited on the heart of the area, with two attendants on both aspect, waving big peacock feather followers as a part of a standard ceremony.
Anna sat down, overwhelmed by the wonder.
After which—proper beside her—one of many attendants collapsed.
A seizure. Mid-ceremony.
The music stopped. Somebody screamed. Individuals rushed in. The person was carried out. He survived. However Anna could not unsee it.
She stored asking about him. Saved watching the doorway. And perhaps that was the true second her nervous system acknowledged the reality: One thing inside her was making an attempt to get her consideration.
In trauma psychology, this is named somatic reminiscence—when the physique remembers what the thoughts cannot but clarify. It is the panic that appears to come back out of nowhere. The tightness in your chest throughout moments which might be speculated to be joyful.
We regularly label this as instinct, one thing mystical or summary. However analysis exhibits it is typically rather more tangible. In response to Greenman et al. (2024), survivors of childhood trauma—particularly these with disrupted attachment patterns—typically carry unresolved emotional ache within the physique, which may emerge as unexplained anxiousness or bodily discomfort.
It is your nervous system quietly whispering: “I’ve seen this earlier than. And I am not OK.”
They posed for marriage ceremony pictures. They laughed. They filmed movies of the cake. After which they forgot the digital camera on the resort. Each picture. Each video. Gone.
Later, that they had a child.
And shortly earlier than their little one turned one, they acquired divorced.
No betrayal. Issues have been escalating—misunderstandings, fights, arguments. Emotional exhaustion. Two individuals who cared about one another however have been by no means actually on the identical web page to start with.
And Anna? She lastly began asking the deeper questions.
Anna won’t have realized it, however she was recreating a sample. She did not take time to heal.
She rushed from survival into attachment. From concern into what felt like love.
And the toughest reality?
What we do not heal, we repeat.
Possibly if she had paused after the breakup or taken time alone, or just requested herself, “What do I want, actually?” If she had listened to the indicators—not simply the dramatic ones, however the whispers inside.
However perhaps she wanted to dwell it to be taught it. As a result of generally love would not come to remain.
It comes to point out us one thing.
Anna did not make a mistake. She made a alternative from the instruments and consciousness she had on the time. And now, she’s studying. She’s slowing down. She’s beginning once more—not with another person, however with herself.
