Amid latest political shifts and a charged cultural local weather, many ladies in America are grappling with uncertainty about their place in society. This sense of unease has fueled curiosity in South Korea’s 4B motion—a daring stance advocating for no intercourse, no courting, no marriage, and no youngsters with males. As a collective response, the 4B motion is a robust problem to entrenched programs, demanding accountability from males and policymakers alike.
As a therapist, I might encourage you to think about if this motion can provide one thing much more profound: an invite to pause and mirror. Quite than adopting a prescribed algorithm, think about this a possibility for private inquiry. What do you really want? The place do your boundaries start and finish? Which selections deliver a way of which means, pleasure, or liberation to your life? By shifting the main focus inward, the “4 No’s” evolve from a manifesto right into a pathway for self-discovery and autonomy. This isn’t about rejecting males—it’s about reclaiming your self.
What does this appear like on a private degree?
Are you able to embrace one, two, and even three of those “No’s”? Sure, in fact you may. Take a second of quiet reflection and ask your self: Would I prefer to step away from sure dynamics or actions with males? If that’s the case, what drives that need—or resistance?
I typically ask my purchasers to discover the motivations behind their selections. Now, I invite you to do the identical. In case you really feel drawn to pause or abstain from specific engagements with males, think about the deeper “why.” An inside motivation—one rooted in self-discovery quite than exterior validation—is way extra prone to information you towards significant change. Image somebody saying: “I’m selecting the 4B method for now, to reconnect with myself, to consciously shift my focus away from males, and to prioritize a ardour I’ve lengthy sidelined in relationships.” This resolution is deliberate, grounded, and completely inside their management. It’s not about deprivation; it’s about intention. And it opens the door to development, curiosity, and chance.
Alternatively, if the motivation is exterior—“If I withhold intercourse, my companion (or males) will behave higher,” or “I need my companion (or males) to lastly perceive how I really feel”—we could also be on shaky floor. Counting on others to reply or react in the best way we want is unpredictable at finest. We have now little management over what one other particular person will assume, really feel, or study from our selections. True empowerment typically begins by wanting inward, defining our personal wants, and setting a course for private success that doesn’t hinge on anybody else’s understanding or validation. Let’s discover some issues for every of the “No’s.”
No Intercourse
In my observe, I’ve heard extra tales of undesirable advances, inappropriate feedback, and assaults than I can rely. I additionally regularly hear real-life accounts of the “orgasm hole”—a stark disparity in sexual satisfaction, typically at girls’s expense. This hole refers back to the distinction in orgasm frequency between women and men, and it’s not obscure why many ladies are reevaluating and even abstaining from intercourse with males. For some, they could have but to completely perceive their very own our bodies or the way to obtain pleasure on their very own phrases. Others carry cultural narratives about intercourse that place it as an act oriented round male pleasure. I can’t inform you what number of instances I’ve heard purchasers ask, “Isn’t intercourse over when he’s completed?”
For some girls, a time of exploration—whether or not by means of masturbation, watching erotic movies, participating with girls, or attending reside performances—can change into an area to study what they really need. For others, a interval of celibacy could also be a helpful path to regain company over their sexuality. No matter type this self-exploration takes, it’s important to step again and ask, “What position does intercourse play in my life? How do I need my relationship with intercourse to really feel transferring ahead?”
This course of could result in boundaries round intercourse that really honor your wants—maybe deciding to attend till the seventh, tenth, and even thirtieth date, or holding off till after marriage. Or maybe it’s exploring sexual compatibility very early on. Perhaps it’s reestablishing intimacy together with your present companion in new, artistic, and linked methods. No matter you select, let or not it’s a selection rooted in your values and desires, not a response to the needs of others. That is what it means to say your personal empowerment.
No Courting and No Marriage (Courting and marriage are explorations of a partnership on a continuum and for that cause we are going to handle them collectively. )
In my observe, single girls regularly inform me they’re content material with their lives, and if a person is to affix, he should improve it in a significant method. A impartial presence merely gained’t suffice, and anybody who detracts from their well-being is out of the query. More and more, girls discover it difficult to fulfill extraordinary males, main many to decide on remaining single because the extra rewarding possibility.
By delaying or abstaining from severe relationships, girls have a novel window to be absolutely attuned to their needs, with no strain to think about the needs, wants, or emotions of others. A solo interval can enable a girl to delve into the core of who they’re and envision a life formed solely by their very own values, aspirations, and passions. It’s a interval of freedom and self-affirmation, a option to domesticate the self earlier than turning into concerned with others.
As girls age, they’ve typically had the expertise of significant partnerships or marriage and so they could select to pause or abstain from new relationships for quite a few causes. Their life expertise has given them a clearer sense of what they really need in a companion, but post-partnership, staying single typically turns into a robust interval of therapeutic and self-discovery. Free from relational calls for, they’re embracing new hobbies and pursuits—dance, tennis, ceramics, or self-defense courses. And not using a companion, they discover themselves with extra time and area to discover deeply fulfilling pursuits.
Midlife and past (earlier if you’re fortunate!) monetary stability and social connections typically reinforce a girl’s independence. The concept of a male companion turns into a consideration provided that he provides distinctive worth. This solo area is, for a lot of, a possibility to nurture fulfilling friendships, household bonds, and roles like auntie or godmother, making a wealthy life anchored in relationships that really matter.
No Kids with Males
Ladies’s need to have youngsters is commonly closely rooted in tradition, whether or not that’s household tradition or the pressures of the bigger society by which they reside. When embracing this “No” girls could also be rejecting the position of mom so as to distance themselves from the disrespect that they understand males have for the position. In patriarchal societies, comparable to South Korea the place the 4B motion got here to be, girls’s roles are clearly outlined and never in essentially the most nice of the way—subservience, home labor and exclusion from energy are a number of the widespread expectations. In the USA, this expertise is extra refined, and although a few of these expectations exist, girls have decidedly extra freedom as of this writing.
Selecting to delay and even forgo motherhood within the U.S. can open the door to uninterrupted skilled development, offering a novel benefit in a workforce nonetheless largely formed round male profession trajectories. The time and area freed up by not having youngsters permits girls to prioritize superior training, profession improvement, and private ambitions—paths that may be difficult to pursue whereas managing the calls for of household life.
In essence, this selection means you might be your precedence—not your youngsters, not your companion, simply you. For a lot of girls, this isn’t solely a path to achievement but in addition a profound act of self-investment and company.
I have already got a companion and youngsters. How do I take part?
Many ladies ask me, “How can I stand in solidarity whereas dwelling a life that already features a companion and youngsters?” Their query displays a deep need—to attach with different girls, to honor their very own development, and to discover new prospects with out unraveling the lives they’ve constructed.
The reality is, solidarity doesn’t should imply beginning over. It will probably imply carving out area for your self inside the life you have already got. Ask your self: What do I must really feel extra linked to my very own aspirations? How can I domesticate a way of belonging with different girls, whereas nurturing my private evolution?
When you could have a male companion or youngsters at house, your participation on this motion could look markedly totally different. It’s possible you’ll not have the area or need to finish a partnership or essentially alter the way you take part as a guardian, however you is probably not totally pleased with the best way dynamics at the moment play out in your house. At its core, the 4B motion is about setting boundaries.
For girls with male companions or youngsters, taking part on this motion will possible begin by defining and asserting these boundaries inside their current relationships. Is your intercourse life mutually satisfying? Do you evenly cut up youngster and residential duties? How concerning the easy act of claiming time for your self. Or recalibrating the emotional labor of your relationship or the psychological load of your house. It’s not about rejecting what you’ve created—it’s about increasing inside it, discovering room for the you that’s nonetheless unfolding.
How do I maximize my private development?
The 4B motion is about reclaiming company—decentering males from one’s life, not out of rejection, however as an empowering option to domesticate autonomy, success, and self-determination.
As you discover which “No’s” serve you, and which don’t, I might encourage you to discover timelines—how lengthy may you embrace your “No”? After a significant breakup, for instance, it’d really feel proper to abstain from courting, intercourse, or relationships for a full yr. Or maybe a couple of months is sufficient to rediscover your self. Maybe you’ve been single for some time and also you wish to keep in that area with extra intention. No matter your circumstance, the appropriate timeline for you is deeply private.
Think about using some tenants of the SMART framework—Particular, Measurable, Achievable, Practical, and Well timed—to information your method. Choose one, two, or extra “No’s” that really converse to you. Outline what every means to you and the way it will serve you, maintaining it each intentional and lifelike. Then, set a timeline that feels proper—figuring out you may modify it as you go. In essentially the most optimistic iteration, your engagement with the 4B motion will help you create area, honor your wants and reclaim your narrative by yourself phrases. Honor your self and channel your rage into creating your most fulfilling life.
Please bear in mind to honor your feminine mates in no matter selections they make—whether or not it’s embracing all 4 “No’s,” only one, or none in any respect. Supporting one another is crucial and no matter our differing paths, let’s not activate each other. Standing collectively—in assist, in connection, in love—is essentially the most highly effective factor we will do.
The previous article was solely written by the creator named above. Any views and opinions expressed usually are not essentially shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or considerations concerning the previous article could be directed to the creator or posted as a remark under.
