As an Enneagram 4 married to a 7 I’ve discovered personally that love isn’t one-size-fits-all. What appears like a grand romantic gesture to 1 individual would possibly really feel like emotional spam to another person. And in case you’ve ever discovered your self making an attempt so onerous to like somebody nicely, solely to observe them blink at you such as you’ve simply handed them a barely damp sock, you’re not alone.
Personally this could seem like me making an attempt to indicate my Enneagram 7 love by asking deep questions on his emotional expertise, and him (additionally an ESTP) wanting like he simply swallowed one thing rotten.
I imagine the Enneagram gives a lens into how we present up in relationships and what we actually want beneath the floor. Some varieties really want reassurance. Others want house. Some simply need to know that you simply see them—not the masks or the position they carry out—however them. And whenever you love somebody in the best way they’ll really obtain it? That’s the place intimacy begins to develop.
So whether or not you’re making an attempt to deepen your bond, untangle some miscommunication, or simply cease by chance triggering your companion’s existential meltdown each Thursday, right here’s a breakdown of how one can love every Enneagram sort a bit of higher.
Enneagram One: The Reformer
Learn how to love them:
Inform them you seen.
The quiet method they keep up late ensuring the payments are paid, the children’ lunches are made, and the sink is definitely clear (not simply “rinsed”). Their integrity is exhausting—nevertheless it’s additionally how they present love. So whenever you acknowledge the trouble behind the scenes, it means the world to them.
Allow them to be human.
Sure, they’ve bought an internal critic the scale of a megachurch. No, they don’t want yours piled on high. If it’s a must to carry up a problem, do it with kindness and readability, not severity. Consider me, they’re going to beat themselves up sufficient for this as it’s. Their first response may be defensiveness, however beneath that’s disgrace, and beneath that’s worry that they’re unlovable in the event that they mess up.
Give them relaxation with out guilt.
Generally they want somebody to bodily pry the to-do record from their arms and remind them it’s okay to cease. Run them a shower. Make them tea. Allow them to know the world received’t finish in the event that they cease striving for one night time, and also you’ll nonetheless be there after they do.
What they should hear (and imagine):
“You don’t should be good to be cherished.”
“You’ll be able to mess up and I’ll nonetheless be right here.”
“I see how onerous you attempt. You deserve peace too.”
Enneagram Two: The Helper
Learn how to love them:
Be the one who provides first.
Twos are at all times exhibiting up. With hugs. With variety phrases. With a perfectly-timed textual content simply whenever you thought nobody seen. However what most individuals miss is that this: Twos hardly ever ask for something. And this isn’t as a result of they don’t want it, however as a result of they’re scared you received’t need to give it.
I’ve seen this time and time once more with Twos I do know personally. They’re all about being there for others however getting them to ask for assist can really feel like an train in futility.
So be proactive. Attain out first. Provoke the plans. Praise the outfit. Discover after they appear drained and ask what they want. You don’t should overcompensate or turn into codependent; simply listen. And show they don’t should earn your love by at all times placing themselves final.
Recognize them particularly.
Generic “thank yous” are fantastic. However what makes a Two soften is understanding that you simply noticed the trouble. “You remembered I had a tough assembly and left a word! Thanks. That meant a lot,” will mild them up greater than flowers ever might.
Don’t allow them to disappear.
Twos can contort themselves into what you want with out you even realizing it—after which burn out within the background when nobody’s paying consideration. Remind them that you really want them, not simply the assist model of them. Give them house to precise their wants, not simply reply to yours.
What they should hear (and imagine):
“You’re not an excessive amount of. You by no means have been.”
“I like you for who you’re, not simply what you do.”
“You don’t should earn a spot in my life. You have already got one.”
Enneagram Three: The Achiever
Learn how to love them:
See who they’re beneath the spotlight reel.
Threes are polished. Environment friendly. Ridiculously good at making life seem like a hit story even when all the things’s on fireplace behind the scenes. They’ll work themselves into oblivion if it means incomes love, reward, or approval, particularly if that’s how they have been wired to get consideration rising up.
So in case you love a Three, remind them (usually, obnoxiously if wanted) that they don’t should do something to earn your affection. Be particular about what you admire that has nothing to do with achievement: the best way they snicker after they let their guard down, the best way they assist their mates with out making it showy, the softness they hardly ever present anybody.
Have fun them, however don’t solely have a good time the trophies. In any other case they’ll maintain specializing in efficiency slightly than presence.
Allow them to fail safely.
One of many biggest presents you may give a Three is the liberty to disintegrate and never be deserted. They could keep away from vulnerability, however in case you can gently maintain house for his or her messiest moments with out judgment, you’ll be the uncommon sort of companion they’ll exhale round.
Present up with curiosity, not efficiency anxiousness.
Threes have a radar for pretense, and so they respect people who find themselves actual. So in case you’re making an attempt to impress them by changing into some airbrushed model of your self, they’ll sense it—and it received’t land. That is partially as a result of they’ve performed that sport earlier than. They learn about sporting the masks, making an attempt to be what everybody else desires. They don’t want extra of that in a companion. Be trustworthy about your fears and flaws. Present them that love doesn’t require a model technique.
What they should hear (and imagine):
“You might be greater than what you accomplish.”
“I like the individual you’re when nobody’s watching.”
“You don’t should show something to me—I’m already right here.”
Enneagram 4: The Individualist
Learn how to love them:
Don’t attempt to repair their emotions.
Fours really feel deeply about all the things. And whereas your impulse may be to cheer them up, what they normally need is to really feel their emotions all over, and to have somebody sit with them in it. They know there’s profound that means, particularly within the emotions most individuals rush by.
Validate their depth. Allow them to be melancholy with out making an attempt to slap a motivational quote on high. (They’ll see by means of it and hate you a bit of.) Empathy over recommendation. Presence over options.
Make them really feel recognized.
Fours are sometimes scanning the horizon for indicators that you simply get them. That you just’re not simply loving the model they current but in addition the elements they conceal. Bear in mind the small print they inform you. Ask questions in regards to the poems they wrote in eighth grade. Praise their bizarre playlists and encourage their weird ardour tasks.
They don’t need superficial love; they need soul love.
Give them house and present up.
This one’s difficult. Fours typically withdraw to check a worry they don’t even notice they’re carrying: “If I disappear, will anybody come discover me?”
The healthiest factor you are able to do is honor their want for alone time with out letting them really feel deserted. A fast, trustworthy check-in—“Hey, I’m providing you with house however I’m nonetheless right here”—could be the anchor they didn’t know they wanted.
What they should hear (and imagine):
“You don’t have to cover any a part of your self with me.”
“I see you. I like you. All of you.”
“I’m nonetheless right here for you, however I’m additionally prepared to provide you house in case you want it.”
Enneagram 5: The Investigator
Learn how to love them:
Respect their house prefer it’s sacred.
As a result of to a 5, it is. Their time, vitality, and a focus are finite assets, and after they share these with you, it’s not as informal as it will be with one other sort. As an alternative, it’s a quiet act of belief. So if a 5 opens as much as you, don’t trample that by being clingy, overbearing, or emotionally explosive out of the blue.
Allow them to come to you. Let silence exist with out panic. Don’t count on them to textual content again immediately, and for the love of all issues holy, don’t name with out warning except somebody’s on fireplace. A delicate, “Hey, I’d love to speak! Let me know when you may have bandwidth” goes a lot farther.
Have interaction their thoughts.
Fives present affection by sharing their information. So if they begin info-dumping about string concept or obscure medieval historical past or why octopuses are higher than people, don’t zone out (in case you can), lean in. Ask questions. Present curiosity. You don’t should know as a lot as they do (you received’t), however you do want to understand how their thoughts works.
Don’t strain them for emotional entry.
They’ve emotions—they similar to to file them beneath “To Be Processed Later After I’m Alone With A Cup of Tea.” If you happen to rush them to open up, they’ll shut down more durable. As an alternative, construct a way of security by being constant, variety, and clear. They’ll begin to belief you with the softer stuff as soon as they know you received’t bulldoze them with it.
What they should hear (and imagine):
“I received’t intrude—however I’m right here whenever you’re prepared.”
“You don’t should carry out connection on a schedule. I’ll anticipate the true factor.”
“I like your thoughts—and your coronary heart too, everytime you’re prepared.”
“You don’t should disappear to really feel protected with me.”
Enneagram Six: The Loyalist
Learn how to love them:
Be dependable.
Sixes aren’t asking you to be good. They’re asking you to imply what you say and do what you promise. That’s it. They prefer it when everybody’s playing cards are on the desk.
When the world feels unsure (which it usually does for a Six), consistency turns into a type of intimacy. The extra you comply with by means of, the extra they’ll calm down into belief.
Don’t make enjoyable of their fear. This can be a large one. I’ve recognized so many Sixes who have been talked right down to or dismissed as a result of they have been “catastrophizing.”
Even when it appears irrational to you, Sixes dwell in a world the place their minds are consistently scanning for threats, loopholes, worst-case eventualities, and all of the doable methods it might all go flawed. That vigilance is exhausting, however usually correct. So as an alternative of brushing them off, say, “I hear you. What would aid you really feel safer proper now?”
Validate their energy.
Folks overlook how courageous Sixes are—as a result of they’re normally afraid and nonetheless doing it anyway. They stand by individuals they love even when it’s onerous. They query the world to make it higher. Inform them you discover that. Inform them their loyalty means one thing to you.
Be trustworthy. Be actual. Be somebody they don’t should second-guess.
What they should hear (and imagine):
“I’m not going anyplace.”
“You’ll be able to rely on me. Even whenever you’re scared.”
“You’re stronger than you notice, and I belief your intestine.”
Enneagram Seven: The Fanatic
Learn how to love them:
Take part on their enthusiasm and be current with them.
Sevens have this electrical pleasure about them, like life is one large scavenger hunt and so they’ve already mapped out three totally different adventures you didn’t know you wanted. Once they love you, they need to carry you into that world; share concepts, make spontaneous plans, order three desserts “simply to attempt them.”
So say sure. Even in case you’re drained. Even in case you’re introverted. Say sure typically, simply to observe them mild up. Not each time, however sufficient that they don’t really feel like their pleasure is a burden.
Stick round when the enjoyable dies down.
Right here’s the half most individuals miss: all that brightness usually hides ache. Sevens aren’t working to pleasure as a lot as they’re working from the heaviness that lives beneath all of it. If you happen to could be somebody they’ll cry with after they’ve laughed with you? You’ve earned their belief. (Which, for a Seven, is large.)
Don’t attempt to “floor” them by clipping their wings.
They should know that the long run doesn’t should be a lure. Assist them construct construction with out smothering their spontaneity. Encourage them to comply with by means of on their desires by exhibiting them that dedication doesn’t imply the loss of life of pleasure.
What they should hear (and imagine):
“I received’t maintain you again, and I received’t disappear.”
“You’re allowed to really feel all the things, even the onerous stuff.”
“I don’t simply love your vitality, I like you, even on quiet days.”
Enneagram Eight: The Challenger
Learn how to love them:
Don’t flinch after they take a look at you (except it’s in a mean-spirited method).
As a result of they will take a look at you. Eights push to see who will push again. In the end, they need to know in case you’re sturdy sufficient to deal with them. If you happen to collapse beneath strain or betray their belief, they received’t overlook it.
However in case you stand your floor with out disrespecting them? You’ll earn the sort of loyalty most individuals by no means get. They’ll soften, however provided that they really feel protected.
Match their honesty.
Eights can scent BS like bloodhounds. They don’t need you to sugarcoat issues or tiptoe round their emotions. Say what you imply. Imply what you say. Be upfront, be actual, and for the love of God, don’t lie. Not even a bit of.
Allow them to be susceptible at their very own tempo.
Beneath that armor is a surprisingly tender coronary heart. In the event that they allow you to see even a sliver of it, deal with it like sacred floor. Don’t weaponize it. Don’t carry it up later in a struggle. Simply maintain it gently and remind them that they’re protected with you.
What they should hear (and imagine):
“You don’t have to guard your self with me.”
“I’m not going anyplace, even in case you let your guard down.”
“You’re not an excessive amount of. You by no means have been.”
Enneagram 9: The Peacemaker
Learn how to love them:
Make room for his or her voice.
Nines will usually default to “no matter you need” as a result of it feels safer than risking battle. However inside, they’ve opinions, preferences, longings; complete galaxies of thought they’ve quietly tucked away. So make house. Ask them what they need, after which wait for the reply. Don’t rush in to fill the silence. They want time to belief their very own voice.
Reassure them that battle doesn’t equal disconnection.
One among a 9’s greatest fears is that in the event that they assert themselves or rock the boat, they’ll be rejected or deserted. So when onerous conversations come up, keep calm. Keep variety. Present them that disagreement doesn’t break love, it will possibly really deepen it.
It takes a lot bravery and energy for a 9 to claim themselves and produce up disagreements. All the pieces of their psyche can be telling them to again down, numb the ache, and ignore it. Take heed to that after they carry up an issue.
Assist them come alive once more.
Generally Nines go numb simply to outlive the noise of the world. They drift, distract, dissociate. If you happen to love a 9, be the one who gently brings them again. Invite them into experiences, discover what lights them up, go on adventures with them—and remind them that their presence issues.
What they should hear (and imagine):
“Your voice issues to me.”
“You don’t should disappear to be cherished.”
“I see you. I need you. Not simply your calm.”
What Do You Suppose?
What makes you are feeling cherished? What isn’t listed right here that you simply want was? Tell us and we will embrace your quotes within the article!
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