Editor’s Be aware: This text initially appeared on our affiliate web site, Mad within the Netherlands. It was written by Sandra Kouwenhoven, an professional by expertise within the unwanted side effects and withdrawal signs of antidepressants and benzodiazepines.
Psychological and relational points usually have their roots in childhood and are carefully linked to the attachment patterns we develop early in life. The way in which your mother and father responded to your wants — whether or not they supplied consideration and the way — performs a vital function in shaping your attachment habits. Exploring attachment concept can due to this fact supply helpful insights. This text goes past the 4 generally identified attachment patterns and introduces the idea of “subpatterns,” every with distinct traits. These subpatterns will help people acquire clearer perception into their emotional difficulties — both on their very own or with skilled assist — and transfer towards a safer attachment sample.
Whenever you examine attachment, it’s normally concerning the 4 attachment patterns from Bowlby’s concept, generally referred to as:
- the Safe attachment sample (also referred to as ‘Free’)
- the Dismissive attachment sample (also referred to as ‘Avoidant’)
- the Preoccupied attachment sample (also referred to as ‘Anxious’)
- the Disorganized attachment sample
However do you know that there are additionally subpatterns?
In his e book Vrij gehecht (translated as Freely Connected, sadly solely accessible in Dutch), Dutch creator and relationship therapist Jeroen Hoekman describes subpatterns throughout the Dismissive and Preoccupied attachment patterns. These subpatterns are clearly distinguishable by their particular traits, making attachment concept extra concrete and simpler to use in follow—each for private perception and in therapeutic settings. The subpatterns are derived from the Grownup Attachment Interview (AAI), a scientific instrument used to evaluate grownup attachment patterns.
On this article, I summarize these subpatterns primarily based on Hoekman’s work, utilizing my very own phrases. The Disorganized attachment sample has no mounted subpatterns, however can present traits of all subpatterns.
Subpatterns throughout the Dismissive attachment sample:
- Idealizing-dismissive
- Derogatory-dismissive
- Controlling-dismissive
Subpatterns throughout the Preoccupied attachment sample:
- Helpless-preoccupied
- Indignant-preoccupied
- Traumatic-preoccupied
The 4 primary patterns
Since this text is supposed as an in-depth exploration, I assume the reader already has some familiarity with attachment concept and the way the 4 attachment patterns develop. Nonetheless, to make the article simpler to observe for these with out prior information, I’ll start with a quick abstract of the important thing traits of every primary sample.
- The Safe Attachment Sample:
Folks with a safe attachment sample have a optimistic self-image and really feel comfy with closeness and intimacy. They’ll course of emotional stimuli in a balanced means, with out being overwhelmed or pushing them away. Due to their well-developed inside base of belief, they can really feel their feelings and reply to them flexibly. In addition they are typically attuned to the feelings of others, talk overtly, and construct belief in relationships with ease.
In instances of stress, they search assist from others with out making themselves dependent, and so they may also consolation themselves. In consequence, they continue to be comparatively secure in difficult conditions. Moreover, they’ve a sensible and nuanced view of themselves—acknowledging each their strengths and weaknesses—in addition to of their previous.
- The Dismissive Attachment Sample:
Folks with a dismissive attachment sample usually come throughout as folks with a number of confidence and a optimistic self-image. Nonetheless, that is deceptive. Their outward independence and energy usually masks an underlying damaging self-image. Folks with this attachment sample are inclined to let fewer emotional stimuli in, or they actively push them away.
They don’t consider that they’ll depend on others and like to resolve their issues themselves. Their focus is commonly on achievements and ambitions, with emotional connection thought-about much less necessary.
In emotional conditions, they could reply with brief, dismissive solutions, change the topic, or keep away from (eye) contact. They usually ignore their very own emotional wants and will discover it tough to take pleasure in issues except there’s a clear aim concerned.
- The Preoccupied Attachment Sample:
Folks with a preoccupied attachment sample permit feelings to enter totally however then grow to be overwhelmed. They’ve a – usually overtly – damaging self-image and search a number of appreciation and approval from others.
As a result of feelings hit them onerous, it may be tough for them to suppose clearly in emotionally charged moments. This results in confusion and self-doubt. They usually talk in an in depth and elaborate means however might lose monitor of their message and are available throughout as unclear.
They’re extremely delicate to the absence or emotional distance of necessary folks of their lives and shortly really feel anxious when connection feels threatened.
- The Disorganised Attachment Sample:
Folks with a disorganized attachment sample lack belief in each themselves and others. Their habits is commonly contradictory: they lengthy for closeness but additionally really feel uneasy with intimacy. This leads to a push-pull dynamic—they search connection after which draw back. They might really feel overwhelmed by feelings and panic, react aggressively, or shut down when confronted with sure triggers. Their notion of actuality may be distorted, as previous trauma unconsciously colours how they expertise present conditions.
Intimate relationships may be difficult by temper swings and unpredictable responses. Typically, they’re unaware of the traumas that drive their habits. Relatively than processing these emotional wounds, they could have created an alternate actuality to manage. In consequence, they usually discover themselves caught in harmful patterns and will wrestle with a deep sense of vacancy
This video by The Holistic Psychologist affords a quick clarification of how attachment patterns develop.
Attachment types or attachment patterns?
In the case of attachment, folks usually discuss attachment types. In on a regular basis language, that is normally seen as the identical as attachment patterns. Nonetheless, in his e book Vrij gehecht (Freely Connected), Jeroen Hoekman makes a transparent distinction between the 2.
In accordance with Hoekman, an attachment type refers to habits that somebody reveals in particular conditions or with particular folks—it’s extra situational. An attachment sample, alternatively, refers back to the total image: the standard habits that stands out once you take a look at somebody’s attachment habits throughout completely different conditions and relationships. This distinction issues as a result of everybody reveals habits from all attachment patterns at instances. If you happen to solely take a look at how somebody behaves in just a few related conditions, it’s simple to attract the flawed conclusion. The attachment sample helps you perceive which sort of habits is dominant throughout time and relationships.
The subpatterns
Inside each the dismissive and the preoccupied attachment patterns, there are three subtypes that differ in how folks regulate their feelings and specific attachment-related habits. Every subtype reveals a special means of coping with emotional experiences.
Under, I describe every of those subpatterns. Please word that as a result of restricted size of this text, these descriptions are simplified. The complete vary of traits, expressions, and underlying causes is broader than what is roofed right here.
Dismissive Attachment Subpatterns
- The Idealizing-Dismissive Attachment Sample
Folks with the idealizing-dismissive sample solely permit emotional stimuli to enter minimally and have a tendency to make their very own emotional wants appear small or irrelevant. Due to this, others usually don’t see their wants, which reinforces a way of getting to manage alone. They usually idealize their childhood and previous relationships, describing them as higher than they actually have been. Their mother and father might have been largely practical—offering issues like presents or materials assist—however supplied little emotional connection. This results in a denial of emotional ache and a cultured picture of contentment. Of their view, they received every thing they wanted, with out realizing what was lacking emotionally.
Folks with this subpattern might consider they’ll solely be liked by serving to or admiring others, resulting in a submissive function in relationships. To keep away from rigidity, they undertake a rational, pragmatic angle and have a tendency to downplay emotional points—each in themselves and in others. They usually keep away from asking for assist, even once they secretly lengthy for assist. This internal contradiction can result in frustration and isolation.
This sample will not be at all times simple to identify at first. Folks with this attachment sample usually come throughout as useful and impartial, whereas deep down there’s an absence of belief in emotional closeness.
Over time, this sample can result in rigidity in relationships, emotions of loneliness, and emotional exhaustion from continually balancing independence with the (unconscious) want for connection. Progress begins by studying to ask for assist, trusting others in doing so, and practising emotional presence in relationships.
- The Derogatory-Dismissive Attachment Sample
Folks with this subpattern use a derogatory or mocking angle to maintain emotional stimuli out. The significance of attachment and attachment figures is minimized by being condescending about them. Beneath this habits lies insecurity and an absence of primary belief in themselves, which makes any type of (optimistic) dependence really feel dangerous.
They usually reply to feelings—each their very own and others’—with cynicism, sarcasm, or humor that belittles vulnerability. They might see themselves as extra rational or competent than others and look down on emotional expression and dependency. Deep conversations about emotions are sometimes averted, and painful experiences or criticism are shortly brushed apart.
This sample usually develops in response to a childhood with excessive expectations, little emotional assist, and a household view that vulnerability equals weak spot.
Over time, this may result in distant or shallow relationships, and unintentionally hurtful habits on account of an absence of emotional attunement. Change turns into attainable by studying to talk from emotion, recognizing the energy in vulnerability, gaining good experiences with the optimistic features of dependency and studying to beat one’s personal satisfaction.
This subpattern may also type the idea of narcissism, as described by Hoekman, though that lies past the scope of this text.
- The Controlling-dismissive attachment sample
Folks with this sample keep away from emotional closeness out of a deep worry of dropping management—over themselves or over the scenario. Feelings are seen as much less related and even threatening, and so they might wrestle to call or clarify what they really feel. They don’t simply belief others, and interactions with them can really feel tense—even when there’s no clear motive for that rigidity. It could possibly really feel as if you need to watch your phrases, with out there being any apparent motive to take action. It’s because the dynamic is about energy, which is commonly linked to standing or a private area: “I’m the boss of …”
For instance, in the event you supply them pleasant recommendation, they could sharply reply with one thing like, “I do know what is nice for me.” This response reveals that you’ve triggered one thing. The particular person adopts an exaggerated defensive angle as a result of they don’t need to offer you energy—maybe since you ‘know higher’. But your intention wasn’t to take management in any respect, however merely to assist.
Folks with this sample usually interpret closeness as an try to manage them, which creates issues in relationships. Their want for autonomy and management then seems to be extra necessary than the connection.
This defensive stance usually stems from rising up with dominant or demanding mother and father—or in massive households the place fixed vigilance was needed. As adults, these people might prioritize autonomy over connection, which complicates relationships and may result in loneliness.
Therapeutic begins with studying to reply sensitively to others, permitting affect with out seeing it as an influence wrestle, and steadily creating empathy and emotional flexibility.
Preoccupied
- The Helpless-Preoccupied Attachment Sample
Folks with the helpless-preoccupied attachment sample have an overtly damaging self-image. They see others as extra or higher and sometimes really feel helpless with out validation from others. Their statements, indecisiveness, and passive, dependent angle make their low vanity very seen to these round them.
For folks with this sample, emotional stimuli can are available in too strongly, overwhelming the rational a part of the mind and making it tough to course of feelings clearly. In consequence, they’ll grow to be confused or react passively: “I don’t know what to do anymore, it have to be all my fault once more.”
They usually really feel an internal stress to take care of others, which stems from worry reasonably than real connection. By making themselves indispensable, they hope to keep away from being deserted. Nonetheless, this may be skilled by others as intrusive or overbearing, resulting in rigidity and a way of misplaced autonomy. The identical worry of abandonment additionally makes it onerous for them to prioritize their very own wants.
This sample usually develops when a mother or father doesn’t give the kid sufficient house to discover the world independently. As a substitute, the mother or father encourages the kid—implicitly or explicitly—to undertake a helpless stance, permitting the mother or father to remain in management and handle their very own fears or insecurities. From the skin, the mother or father might seem caring, however the care will not be attuned to the kid’s precise wants. On this means, the kid’s pure worry of being left alone is bolstered.
This attachment sample can result in a vicious cycle of dependency, stress, and emotional exhaustion, through which the particular person repeatedly feels powerless and seeks fixed validation from others. This cycle may be damaged by studying to suppose extra rationally in emotional conditions, making impartial plans, and practising being alone.
- The Indignant-Preoccupied Attachment Sample
This subpattern is characterised by passive-aggressive habits and the usage of anger to drive consideration. Folks with this sample usually undertaking confidence however beneath lies a deeply damaging self-image. When in search of consideration, they could resort to anger or erratic habits, as this was the one technique to elicit a response from a mother or father throughout childhood. They’re extremely delicate to emotional cues that really feel like private injustices and have a tendency to react disproportionately. Their habits might come throughout as theatrical or intense, and so they usually wrestle to respect others’ boundaries. Frustration is often expressed not directly—by sarcasm, accusations, or by intentionally breaking agreements.
This sample might develop when a baby learns that an inattentive or unpredictable mother or father finally responds if the kid acts out with anger or provocative habits. In some instances, the kid might also mannequin this habits after a mother or father who themselves sought consideration on this means.
This sample can result in tough relationships, marked by repeated makes an attempt to drive consideration by battle. It may be damaged by studying to precise genuine emotions extra clearly and by practising open, non-defensive communication and asking for suggestions.
- The traumatic-preoccupied attachment sample
On this subpattern, an individual’s self-image is formed by unresolved trauma from the previous. For instance, somebody might proceed to really feel inferior as a result of they acquired little consideration throughout childhood—even when they’re now a profitable entrepreneur or artist. Hectic conditions or sure emotional triggers in each day life may be linked to traumatic recollections, usually with out an apparent trigger. The trauma narrative turns into so dominant that the related emotions can now not be launched, and the trauma turns into a part of the particular person’s id. Instance: “My father left us once I was three, that’s why I can’t deal with rejection effectively.” Worry of returning to the emotional ache of the trauma turns into the guiding drive behind their habits.
This sample usually arises in households the place kids obtain little optimistic or delicate suggestions, the place boundaries aren’t revered, or the place neglect and emotional or bodily abuse might have occurred.
This attachment sample can result in recurring emotional struggles, a persistent want for reassurance, and problem letting go of the previous. It may be addressed by practices akin to acceptance and interrupting damaging thought patterns.
Attachment and trauma
On the finish of this text, I wish to say one thing about attachment trauma, as a result of it could appear as if trauma solely happens within the traumatic-preoccupied and the disorganised attachment sample. That isn’t the case. Trauma can happen in all attachment patterns, however there’s a distinction within the extent to which the trauma has been processed or the way it has been handled. Hoekman writes about several types of trauma that may happen within the completely different attachment patterns:
- The processed trauma – safe attachment sample
- The denied trauma – dismissive attachment sample
- Being preoccupied with private struggling – preoccupied attachment sample
- Advanced trauma – disorganised attachment sample
In accordance with Hoekman, every kind of trauma requires a special therapeutic strategy.
Situational habits or attachment sample
I hope that with this text I’ve given you deeper insights into the dismissive and preoccupied attachment patterns. Maybe whereas studying, you may have already recognized folks round you—and even your self—with a sure sample. I wish to return to the excellence between attachment types and attachment patterns. The habits an individual reveals chances are you’ll be situational or depending on a particular relationship, and never essentially replicate their dominant attachment sample. You might acknowledge this in your self: you behave fairly securely connected with sure folks, and all of the sudden fairly preoccupied with others. So don’t fall into the entice of labeling somebody you don’t know very effectively too shortly with a particular attachment sample.
With this information, nevertheless, you can begin to acknowledge and identify particular behaviors (for instance, sitcoms and a few sequence are filled with derogatory-dismissive remarks), which can finally make it easier to see a sample in your self and people round you.
Lastly
Sadly, Jeroen Hoekman’s e book will not be accessible in English, however there are different wonderful English-language books about attachment. For professionals, I like to recommend Attachment in Psychotherapy by David J. Wallin.
