For many individuals, Mom’s Day is a Hallmark second—a day of flowers, brunches, and playing cards with rigorously worded gratitude. However for post-traumatic dad and mom, it’s typically way more sophisticated.
Lately, a post-traumatic dad or mum despatched me a DM that captures the bittersweet expertise so many people navigate. She wrote, “I need to benefit from the day. I need to rejoice being the mom I at all times wished I’d had. However there’s additionally unhappiness—unhappiness for my interior little one who didn’t get what my little one now receives so freely.”
That one message spoke volumes, as a result of it displays one thing I hear many times within the post-traumatic parenting teams I’ve led over time. Mom’s Day, for a lot of, will not be a easy celebration—it’s a posh mix of pleasure, grief, delight, and ache.
The Phrase “Mom” Can Really feel Loaded
Whenever you’ve grown up with unmet wants, inconsistent care, and even outright trauma, the phrase mom itself can stir ambivalence. For some, it’s a eager for what by no means was; for others, it’s a phrase that triggers ache, guilt, or loss.
And but, after we step into the position of mom ourselves—as post-traumatic dad and mom decided to interrupt cycles and dad or mum with intention—we face a brand new problem: easy methods to reconcile what we’re giving to our kids with what we by no means obtained.
It’s an odd rigidity. On the one hand, we’re happy with the therapeutic we’re creating for our kids. On the opposite, we’re aware of the absence that formed us. In psychology, we name this “developmental trauma.” It is not acute traumatic experiences—it is the little issues that did not occur, because of the large issues that did.
Mom’s Day With a Mom Wound
For some post-traumatic dad and mom, this complexity comes from an specific mom wound—being mothered by somebody who was herself unhealed, experiencing emotional or bodily neglect, or rising up in a house the place the mom’s psychological fragility compelled the kid into the position of caregiver. For these dad and mom, Mom’s Day can stir not solely grief, but additionally the painful, typically unstated wrestle of holding the dialectic: loving a mom who additionally precipitated hurt. As Alice Miller wrote, “We’re forbidden to note that our dad and mom harmed us. This data is blocked by our must idealize them, which derives from our childhood.”
It’s essential to say: This expertise doesn’t apply to each post-traumatic dad or mum, however for these it does apply to, the tenderness of Mom’s Day might really feel particularly uncooked.
Mom’s Day as a Day of Each/And
One of many best truths I share with the dad and mom in my teams is that this: You may maintain a couple of emotion on the identical time.
- You may love being a mom whereas additionally mourning the mom you didn’t have.
- You may rejoice the house you’ve created whereas grieving the one you grew up in.
- You may indulge in your little one’s arms thrown round your neck whereas feeling an ache deep in your personal interior little one.
That is what it means to be a post-traumatic dad or mum on Mom’s Day: It’s each joyous and unhappy. And honoring that complexity will not be solely OK—it’s profoundly human.
Why It Can Really feel Even Tougher When You’re Breaking Cycles
Cycle-breaking dad and mom are intensely intentional. We take into consideration our kids’s emotional wants, we replicate on our responses, we learn, we study, we restore. And whereas this can be a lovely, brave path, it additionally comes with a hidden price: Each time you give your little one one thing you by no means obtained, it highlights your personal deprivation.
That hole between “what I’m giving” and “what I used to be given” can really feel uncooked, particularly on a day like Mom’s Day—a day meant to honor moms and, implicitly, the lineage of mothering.
However right here’s what I inform the dad and mom I work with:
Whenever you break a cycle, you aren’t betraying your previous; you’re redeeming it. You’re making certain that the ache stops with you. And that may be a profound type of honor—even when it comes wrapped in grief. (For extra on therapeutic from a painful childhood, click on right here.)
Reclaiming Mom’s Day as Your Personal
So, how can post-traumatic dad and mom method Mom’s Day in a manner that honors each pleasure and sorrow?
- Acknowledge the “each/and.” You don’t should push away the unhappiness to make room for the enjoyment. Say to your self, “Right this moment I rejoice being the mom I at all times wished, and I honor the grief of what I didn’t have.” Naming each may be extremely liberating.
- Give your interior little one a seat on the desk. Mom’s Day is usually a lovely time to consciously supply kindness to your personal interior little one. Write her a be aware, gentle a candle, or just pause to say, “You might be seen, too.”
- Let the day be imperfect. You don’t must curate an ideal Instagram second. It’s OK if you would like the celebration and in addition want area for reflection and even tears.
- Draw in your neighborhood. Share your emotions with different cycle-breaking dad and mom. Probably the most therapeutic experiences is realizing you aren’t alone on this.
You Are Already the Mom You Hoped For
As a psychologist, I need to say this clearly: You should not have to earn Mom’s Day by being an ideal mom. You already deserve it. Just by displaying up, by reflecting, by selecting to be intentional, you’re providing your kids one thing transformative.
Your interior little one might by no means totally heal from the losses of the previous, however your present self is creating a house the place love, security, and attunement are the norm, not the exception. That’s worthy of celebration.
So if you’re a post-traumatic dad or mum studying this, right here’s my invitation: Reclaim Mom’s Day as your personal. Let it’s messy. Let it maintain each pleasure and grief. Let it’s a day that honors not solely who you’re to your kids, but additionally the quiet, heroic work you’ve performed to interrupt cycles and heal your self alongside the way in which.
Since you—not simply as a mom, however as an entire, therapeutic particular person—are value celebrating. (For extra on post-traumatic parenting, click on right here.)
