I’ve thought concerning the zombie apocalypse extra occasions than I’ve thought of retirement, which might be a crimson flag but in addition most likely simply… simpler? I imply, retirement requires cash. A zombie apocalypse simply requires an exit technique and, ideally, a crowbar. Or a katana. (Although I’m the type of one who would completely impale myself attempting to “look cool” with a katana and bleed out behind a Walgreens.)
It most likely doesn’t assist that I’ve been bingeing “All of Us Are Useless” with my 19-year-old daughter.
However the factor is, I know what I’d do in a zombie apocalypse. I’ve run the eventualities. I’ve emotionally made peace with sure inevitable betrayals. I’ve determined who I’d save (my youngsters), who I’d let die (sure present political leaders), and the place I’d stroll to first.
And when you’ve accomplished that type of psychological prep, you begin to marvel:
How would the Enneagram varieties deal with this?
And the reply is: Badly. However every in their very own distinctive, totally-their-own approach.
Unsure what your character sort is? Take our Enneagram questionnaire right here!
Enneagram 1
You’d assume the tip of the world would chill out a One. Nope. They see the zombie apocalypse as a reset button — lastly, an opportunity to rebuild society the proper approach. Morals. Checklists. Composting bathrooms.
Whereas everybody else is panic-looting Funyuns and ibuprofen, the One is taping up a handwritten check in an deserted Starbucks that claims,
“No stealing. No hoarding. Log all rations. Wash your rattling fingers.”
In the meantime, I’d already be lifeless as a result of I drank pond water with out boiling it after which cried too loud close to the fence line.
The One, although, will final six months longer than the remainder of us — fueled solely by ethical indignation and the deep, livid conviction that somebody has to care about fundamental sanitation.
Enneagram 2
The Two instantly turns into camp mother. They’re handing out snacks, tending wounds, and providing emotional help to individuals they met six minutes in the past. Somebody cries as soon as and the Two is already constructing them a personal shelter out of scrap wooden. They haven’t slept in 4 days however insist they’re “simply pleased to assist.”
Ultimately, the cracks present. Somebody forgets to say thanks. Another person takes the final protein bar with out asking. The Two smiles, nods, and quietly writes “JEREMY IS SELFISH” on the aspect of the tent in everlasting marker. They cease asking if anybody wants assist and simply begin muttering issues like “No no, I’ll do it, like at all times” whereas aggressively cleansing a machete.
They don’t die from zombies. They die shielding somebody who doesn’t bear in mind their identify. Their ultimate phrases are, “It’s okay, I wished to.”
Enneagram 3
The Three noticed society collapse and instantly pivoted. They modified outfits. Rebranded. Constructed a makeshift fitness center out of outdated tires and water jugs. Began holding 6 a.m. crew huddles the place they used phrases like innovation and mission alignment whereas everybody else tried to choke down chilly beans. The camp hates them. Additionally, the camp wouldn’t exist with out them.
They’re by some means at all times clear. Their hair? Advantageous. Their tooth? Brushed. Their garments? Nonetheless fitted. Nobody’s positive how. You believe you studied they’re utilizing moist wipes constituted of linen shirts they scavenged at Banana Republic. Each time somebody cries, they are saying issues like, “Flip that grief into ACTION,” after which hand you a shovel like that was supposed to assist.
They die attempting to retrieve a photo voltaic charger they hid in a Walgreens ceiling tile three weeks in the past as a result of they wanted it to complete enhancing their video diary.
Enneagram 4
The 4 doesn’t panic when the apocalypse begins. They only type of shrug. In fact the world’s ending. Why wouldn’t it’s? They’ve been emotionally rehearsing for this since age 13, proper after studying a Sylvia Plath quote out of context and realizing no one else felt issues with the identical vivid depth. Zombies? Truthfully, much less terrifying than most social interactions.
They keep alive by way of a mixture of avoidance, instinct, and sheer spite. They’ll assist out at camp, however provided that they don’t should make eye contact or reply questions like, “How are you holding up?” (The reply is “not effectively.”) They’re the particular person sitting by the fireplace consuming chilly canned ravioli and considering, “I don’t assume I miss society. I simply miss what it may have been.”
If I discovered them on the market, I’d sit with them. Not as a result of I’d know what to say, however as a result of I’d even be attempting to make sense of the truth that I cried over a pigeon yesterday. The 4 wouldn’t exit screaming. They’d depart in the course of the evening carrying three layered scarves and a glance of quiet disappointment.
Their final entry?
“Everybody grew to become zombies and I nonetheless felt just like the bizarre one.”
Additionally: a grocery listing the place “braveness” is written between “lentils” and “batteries.”
Enneagram 5
The 5 didn’t need to be part of a bunch, however a bunch of panicking survivors discovered them surrounded by medical provides, wiring photo voltaic panels out of an outdated calculator and a ceiling fan, and went, “Yeah. That one.” So now they’re the medic. The planner. The one one who is aware of easy methods to sew up a zombie chew and construct a water filtration system out of charcoal and despair.
They by no means requested for this function. Additionally they by no means complain. They only stare blankly whereas somebody bleeds on their pocket book and say issues like, “I mentioned apply stress. That doesn’t imply flail.” Nobody is aware of how they’re nonetheless functioning. Nobody desires to ask.
They may survive 100% out of practicality. They really feel nothing. Besides gentle contempt in your presence and lack of planning.
Enneagram 6
The Six survives the longest as a result of they by no means trusted something within the first place. The information? Lies. The sirens? Decoys. The federal government evacuation buses? Clearly a lure. That they had a bug-out bag underneath their mattress for ten years. They wrote the neighborhood escape plan. In color-coded ink. Laminated.
They’re the one one within the group who noticed the early indicators and mentioned, “We must always most likely fortify the home windows.” Everybody else thought they have been being paranoid. Now everybody else is lifeless. The Six remains to be suspicious—however alive.
They construct group, however with guidelines. Belief is earned, not assumed. Each evening they test the perimeter, even when it’s raining or they’re operating a 102-degree fever. They’re exhausted, anxious, and hypervigilant.
However they’re additionally the explanation anybody’s nonetheless respiration.
Their downfall? Most likely dehydration. As a result of they ran out of bottled water, didn’t belief the filter, and have been too drained to argue with themselves about it once more.
Enneagram 7
The Seven doesn’t imply to turn out to be a legend. They have been simply attempting to maintain issues gentle. The world ended, they usually confirmed up with Pop Rocks, a slingshot, and a joke about how perhaps now we are able to lastly cease pretending we like networking occasions.
They’re the one who makes you snort even when your toenail is falling off and somebody’s rationing baked beans like they’re manufactured from gold mud. They flirt with loss of life the best way they flirt with individuals: effortlessly, a bit too usually, and with full denial that something dangerous may really occur.
They volunteer for each harmful job—not as a result of they’re courageous (although they’re, type of), however as a result of the choice is sitting nonetheless and fascinated about issues. Which is worse. A lot worse. In order that they preserve operating provide missions and distracting zombies and attempting to persuade everybody to play charades.
They don’t get taken out in a blaze of glory. Probably not. It’s extra like: somebody’s screaming, another person is frozen, and the Seven simply reacts. They run. They assist. They get there first. After which they don’t come again.
Enneagram 8
The Eight doesn’t need to lead. They only do it as a result of nobody else will be trusted to not screw it up. You say issues like, “Ought to we make a plan?” and earlier than you end the sentence, they’ve already assigned roles, bolstered the perimeter, and constructed a spear out of a curtain rod and pure fury. You don’t vote for them. You simply understand you’re following them. And it’s weirdly comforting. Additionally a bit scary.
They yell so much. Why? As a result of caring comes out sideways when your nervous system is calibrated for battle. You may be bleeding out they usually’d toss you a rag and bark, “Don’t die, I’m busy,” whereas shoving a door shut in opposition to a horde. After which, later, when nobody’s watching, you’ll discover your identify carved into the “individuals to guard” listing they preserve hidden of their jacket.
In the event that they die, it’s not dramatic. It’s sensible and calculated. They make the decision nobody else can. Sacrifice themselves as a result of it’s the one choice that retains the remainder of you respiration.
Enneagram 9
The 9 didn’t ask for any of this. Not the zombies. Not the group filled with panicked individuals. Not the infinite arguments about who will get the final instantaneous oatmeal. They only wished a tender blanket, a quiet nook, and perhaps a non-apocalyptic Tuesday to complete their tea with out the specter of being eaten.
However no. Now they’re right here. Mediation hat on. Nervously laughing whereas two individuals scream about canned spaghetti-Os. Saying issues like, “I see each side,” whereas internally receding right into a psychological cave manufactured from throw pillows and believable deniability. Everybody thinks the 9 is chill. They’re not. They’re simply disassociating.
They preserve the peace as a result of they will really feel stress of their bones. Battle is their model of a soar scare. In order that they step in, time and again, gently redirecting rage and grief like some type of emotionally exhausted visitors cop with a soothing voice and a stress rash.
In the event that they die—and actually, they may simply drift off at some point and neglect to come back again—it breaks one thing. In a approach that leaves a hole area in the course of all the things. You discover their journal underneath a pile of mismatched socks. Inside: poorly drawn cartoons of everybody, a listing titled “Good Issues to Say If Somebody Cries,” and a ultimate notice that simply says,
“I hope it helped. Additionally, please water my crops in the event that they’re not already lifeless. Thanks.”
What About You?
Ultimately, I don’t know who makes it. Possibly the bunker-dwelling 5. Possibly the machete-wielding Eight. Possibly the Seven who ran so quick even grief couldn’t catch them. Most likely not me, let’s be trustworthy—I’d journey over a root and get bitten whereas attempting to rescue my favourite hoodie. However even in the course of blood and ash and actually dangerous instantaneous espresso, we’re nonetheless ourselves—flawed, quirky, infuriating little echoes of who we have been earlier than the world cracked open. Nonetheless attempting to matter. Nonetheless attempting to attach. Nonetheless attempting to get out of doing the dishes.
How do you assume you’d fare? Allow us to and different readers know within the feedback!
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